First Year Med Student Definitions...

Our hardcore SA med students could not have been responsible for these. Must have been the Americans. We were? Really? Oh dear.

The body: "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax, the heart and lungs; and the abominable cavity, the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

Respiration: "When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire"

Respiration: "Respiration consists of two acts: first inspiration, then expectoration."

Cardiovascular: "The three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, veins, and caterpillars."

Gastrointestinal: "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Alabama."

Dentistry: "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

Orthopaedics: "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat on."

Reproductive medicine: "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

Reproductive medicine: "To prevent contraception, wear a condominium."

Reproductive medicine: "Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

Haematology: "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

Eyes and nose: "To remove dust from the eye: pull the eye down over the nose."

Eyes and nose: "For nosebleeds, put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops."

Eyes and nose: "For a cold: use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

First aid: "For fainting: rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the head instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest doctor."

First aid: "For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

First aid: "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration."

First aid: "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."